hi dada bhai

Hi dada bhai,
After a long time barnali wrote a mail and I opened it with so much anticipation, just like a small child opening his birthday present.
It is fully justified, the anger and frustration, which barnali must be harbouring and had I been in her position I would have probably reacted in a similar way but the big issue is that besides me no other soul would ever come to know or even realize that whatever happened was such a complex issue that even I, while trying to retrospect find it very puzzling as to the way I was handling that situation.
Barnali had asked me a question as to what will I do with all my money? In her shoes I would have asked even a better question – why am I still living and why do get I up every morning?
Giving a lot of consideration to the above issues I have decided to drag along with my miserable life with the hope that one day I will get to hold my family back and that’s what is keeping me alive.
“Drug abusing pseudo mothers” imagine what kind of hellish situation I would have been undergoing handling that complex issue. Just imagine, would any sane person be enjoying in that situation. It was such a nightmare and with my idealistic philosophy, and gripped in fear, wanted to soothe out the things and putting the simple facts in order that family comes first and that the child needs his parents more than anything else and see where does it led me to –not being able to even speak to my own kids for nearly 6 months.
“My abnormal lifestyle” that bulli wants to shield my children from. Muku and mouli are my life’s rhythm if their mother feels this about their dad then God should not allow me to even see the next daylight.
Please convey to her that all that I have apparently amassed is all hers and for my children and all that I am living for is for my family only. Even before she embarked on legal journey I had asked her to tell me where I should send the cheques and the next thing I received was the legal notice with the interim order barring me from all forms of communication.
So far I have been to Bangalore five time and spent 1.25 lakh rupees which could have been used for the kids and the family. Desperately I tried for mediation but failed. All that I have wanted to tell her was to give me my life back by taking back what she left behind at delhi that is her stupid husband.
Legal proceeding are on and the advocates are doing their job of protecting their client’s interests but what about the interests of a broken family and weeping hearts and a father’s craving for seeing his children and a husband’s soul which is ever trying to reconnect with his soul mate. Can any court decide about all these issues. Can the advocates compensate for that time I have not seen my kids. Impatience is a very inferior word that bulli used to project my feelings – its like burning in hell, not to be around your family for some silly cause which isn’t even there and to go to a place 1700 km away where my family is staying and to stand on the streets and bus-stands and wish for instant release d from the miseries. More than a nightmare to see bulli and baba just feets away and not even talk to them.
Bulli says that she is following the court’s proceedings to assess my mindset. For what ? , all this assessment for what? it is like asking water whether it wishes to quench the thirst or not ? My whole life is for my family.
Sand castle which bulli built , she says that waves took them away but the little home that I was building, I am just trying to hold on to its foundations and strengthening them with my prayers and tears. My intentions and mindset can never be assessed in the court as it is legal front and the domain of advocates.
Absurd to think that as father I don’t want to provide for my children . what am I living for and for whom I am earning, not to collect money for some fancy parties or frolicking with pseudo people. I have repeatedly pledged that she can take it from in writing that will give to her my entire salary for my entire life.
There is no gang of i.v dug abusing pseudo-mothers and I simply go to that hospital and come back to a house to be haunted by the emptiness and stay wide awake talking to photos of muku , mouli and barnali and keep arranging their stuff and put a pillow on the bulli’s side of the bed and just pray to god to please let me be with family at least in the dreams and very often I get up shaken , realizing that it was only a dream where I was sipping tea with bulli or playing with my angels, then I sit in front of her almirah where I have kept a chair covered by her shawl and made a meditation seat and just try to communicate with her in the middle of the night. I have started to do meditation in her corner and it really gives me strength to hold on. I keep writing on the blog and keep talking to them in my thoughts. I think bulli is right my lifestyle is surely absurd. Today I have taken out muku and mouli’s woolen caps and I keep wearing them one by one and strangely it brings a lot of comfort.
Well dada bhai, I would like you to help me professionally as a strategic planner and a management guru.
Rather than the court deciding about the amount of money I should give to bulli in order to prove my intentions as a caring father and caring husband I would like you to assess the financial situation and decide it. Rather than wasting the money in my futile trips to Bangalore I would like that hard earned money to be utilized for the children. My whole existence has become a burden on self and if I don’t get the feeling that I am doing something for my family I am certain that I will fall ill very soon and slowly wither away, already signs of my decreasing immunity to common ailments have become manifest and unless my share for my family reaches them i am soon going to lose even the will to survive and strive for my daily bread.
In the next hearing my advocate is going to file objections to the buli’s advocate’s memo and the things will run their own course but it just doesn’t make any sense to me all this court room fiasco . things have to be decided between me and bulli and I want to take full responsibility of my children to the best of my abilities, and if bulli also wants it to be so than why all this legal tussle.
Here are certain hard facts on which you could develop the plan .
My gross salary is 55,000 Rs per month
The in-hand salary after the tax deduction at source after the maximum allowed savings of one lakh 10 thousand Rs per year, is about 47,000 Rs per month
Which means I have to save about 11,000 Rs per month which goes in insurance and ppf of which bulli is the nominee
That leaves around 36,000 Rs per month
For the monthly basic expenditure for the house which includes the bill for telephone, internet, newspaper, electricity, water, chowkidar, car petrol, milkman, maid etc ( bare minimum just to survive in the most ordinary way is approximately 12 to 13,000 Rs
That leaves me with 23,000 Rs.
Out of this you decide how should I I take out the money to sponsor my Bangalore trips and the advocates fees and the maintenance money.
my each trip to bangalore costs a minimum of 14,000 Rs
I can pay 12,000 Rs to bulli every month which leaves me with 11,000 Rs and that too I would be saving for the children only or utilize for my trips to Bangalore.
As for bulli’s knowledge , I am not having any other souces of income as was mentioned in the affidavit, I have a savings bank account in bank of baroda where my salary is deposited by ECS and about 3 years back when there was a lot of craze in the market I bought 3 mutual funds for the first time in my life worth 30,000 RS which are blocked for 3 years. My after the duty hour cases have also dwindled away in the last 3-4 months partly because I am not too keen in making such an effort when the people for whom I was doing all that are not even there to talk to me and partly for the reason that it involves too much of concentration in the high risk field like anesthesia and with my current state of mind I had certain very narrow escapes and simply I don’t want to continue with that type of risky lifestyle. So whatever I have is very clearly in front of you and cant overemphasize on the point that my commitment for my family, my little angels stands firm till my last breath and to the best of my abilities and it’s up to bulli to decide what she wants to do with me.
Please ask bulli to pray to lord to bring an end to my sufferings coz its not possible for me to stop thinking about my kids or stop thinking about reuniting with her at this time and all time to come in the rest of my life. Neither can I opt for the easy way for that is not my philosophy so I will keep on praying to almighty to take care of my family and keep them in good health and cheers for all time to come and please allow me to contribute my share in the upbringing of my children to the best of abilities.
My little angels – I really love you and when you grow up you might realize that your dad was actually not such a bad guy after all and there was no need for anyone to have shielded you from my so called absurd lifestyle.
God bless you all.