Wednesday, December 30, 2009
happy new year muku mouli bulli and all
hi bulli this is mail written to dada bhai in the hope that it would rach you so that i cut my feelings across.i am not comfortable here in delhi without my family and slowly i am disssolving inside. i want to do waht any father wants to do for his children and i will pay for all there expenses and i will ask my advocate to convey this to you advocate on the next hearing, i believe he had conveyed that i wanted to give 15,ooo rs per month and you know that all my insurance savings are also for my children and you and i will give it in written.
please speak with me and please allow me to speak with my kids , i am begging you.
Hi dada bhai,
End of the year, but no endings of sorrow in our house where the people from whom the happiness got its definition are not there.
I cant even talk to my family even to wish them new year’s greetings, I hope you will convey to bulli that I am really missing her and my kids. Bulli must know that I am willing to take full responsibility of children and all their needs should be fulfilled. Please tell her to talk to me and please allow the kids to at least talk to me so that their voice could replenish my dying inner self.
All this situation is becoming so complex, these court proceedings, filing of affidavits and objections and so on, I am just missing my time with my family, plain and simply I am just dragging my soul all alone here in delhi hoping for reuniting with them.
Please ask bulli to at least make me speak with kids so that I could wish them a akk the happiness in the coming year.
That swine flu patient, 15 year old boy, recovered and was discharged from the hospital yesterday, in the process of his management even I got affected by the h1n1 virus but unfortunately I recovered simply by the tamiuflu tablets although I was hoping that god would relieve finally. Irony of the situation that my name was recommended to the health minister for the exemplary services as I stayed on for that child, till late in hospital when most of the doctors were scared to even visit the ward. His parents thanked me for returning their jewel back BUT who will know what propelled me to take that decision of 24X7 duty in swine flu ward , anyways that child is back with his family and I am happy for him and I wil do the same for any other patient but I am missing my family too much and want bulli to realize this and I am also
Willing to take full financial responsibility of their upbringing, but how to put it across her when I am not even allowed to speak to her. I want to do so many things for them but HOW? How should I let bulli know that I am living for them only and how to get my feelings across her? I just want to speak to my babies, please please please tell her to at least give them the phone for just 5 minutes , I just want to hear their voices. I am not going to harm them by speaking to them and I promise I wont even make them feel uncomfortable in ways and take care that they don’t get disturbed emotionally, I know my children they must be missing them and I know bulli also , she also must be missing me but just tell her that It is very difficult to live on like this when all the time you are thinking of your family and cant even speak to them.
Please god, please make my feelings reach her heart and please have mercy,
Happiness of the new year will be awaited in this house and in my heart.
Happy new Year to all
Sunday, December 27, 2009
hi dada bhai
Hi dada bhai,
After a long time barnali wrote a mail and I opened it with so much anticipation, just like a small child opening his birthday present.
It is fully justified, the anger and frustration, which barnali must be harbouring and had I been in her position I would have probably reacted in a similar way but the big issue is that besides me no other soul would ever come to know or even realize that whatever happened was such a complex issue that even I, while trying to retrospect find it very puzzling as to the way I was handling that situation.
Barnali had asked me a question as to what will I do with all my money? In her shoes I would have asked even a better question – why am I still living and why do get I up every morning?
Giving a lot of consideration to the above issues I have decided to drag along with my miserable life with the hope that one day I will get to hold my family back and that’s what is keeping me alive.
“Drug abusing pseudo mothers” imagine what kind of hellish situation I would have been undergoing handling that complex issue. Just imagine, would any sane person be enjoying in that situation. It was such a nightmare and with my idealistic philosophy, and gripped in fear, wanted to soothe out the things and putting the simple facts in order that family comes first and that the child needs his parents more than anything else and see where does it led me to –not being able to even speak to my own kids for nearly 6 months.
“My abnormal lifestyle” that bulli wants to shield my children from. Muku and mouli are my life’s rhythm if their mother feels this about their dad then God should not allow me to even see the next daylight.
Please convey to her that all that I have apparently amassed is all hers and for my children and all that I am living for is for my family only. Even before she embarked on legal journey I had asked her to tell me where I should send the cheques and the next thing I received was the legal notice with the interim order barring me from all forms of communication.
So far I have been to Bangalore five time and spent 1.25 lakh rupees which could have been used for the kids and the family. Desperately I tried for mediation but failed. All that I have wanted to tell her was to give me my life back by taking back what she left behind at delhi that is her stupid husband.
Legal proceeding are on and the advocates are doing their job of protecting their client’s interests but what about the interests of a broken family and weeping hearts and a father’s craving for seeing his children and a husband’s soul which is ever trying to reconnect with his soul mate. Can any court decide about all these issues. Can the advocates compensate for that time I have not seen my kids. Impatience is a very inferior word that bulli used to project my feelings – its like burning in hell, not to be around your family for some silly cause which isn’t even there and to go to a place 1700 km away where my family is staying and to stand on the streets and bus-stands and wish for instant release d from the miseries. More than a nightmare to see bulli and baba just feets away and not even talk to them.
Bulli says that she is following the court’s proceedings to assess my mindset. For what ? , all this assessment for what? it is like asking water whether it wishes to quench the thirst or not ? My whole life is for my family.
Sand castle which bulli built , she says that waves took them away but the little home that I was building, I am just trying to hold on to its foundations and strengthening them with my prayers and tears. My intentions and mindset can never be assessed in the court as it is legal front and the domain of advocates.
Absurd to think that as father I don’t want to provide for my children . what am I living for and for whom I am earning, not to collect money for some fancy parties or frolicking with pseudo people. I have repeatedly pledged that she can take it from in writing that will give to her my entire salary for my entire life.
There is no gang of i.v dug abusing pseudo-mothers and I simply go to that hospital and come back to a house to be haunted by the emptiness and stay wide awake talking to photos of muku , mouli and barnali and keep arranging their stuff and put a pillow on the bulli’s side of the bed and just pray to god to please let me be with family at least in the dreams and very often I get up shaken , realizing that it was only a dream where I was sipping tea with bulli or playing with my angels, then I sit in front of her almirah where I have kept a chair covered by her shawl and made a meditation seat and just try to communicate with her in the middle of the night. I have started to do meditation in her corner and it really gives me strength to hold on. I keep writing on the blog and keep talking to them in my thoughts. I think bulli is right my lifestyle is surely absurd. Today I have taken out muku and mouli’s woolen caps and I keep wearing them one by one and strangely it brings a lot of comfort.
Well dada bhai, I would like you to help me professionally as a strategic planner and a management guru.
Rather than the court deciding about the amount of money I should give to bulli in order to prove my intentions as a caring father and caring husband I would like you to assess the financial situation and decide it. Rather than wasting the money in my futile trips to Bangalore I would like that hard earned money to be utilized for the children. My whole existence has become a burden on self and if I don’t get the feeling that I am doing something for my family I am certain that I will fall ill very soon and slowly wither away, already signs of my decreasing immunity to common ailments have become manifest and unless my share for my family reaches them i am soon going to lose even the will to survive and strive for my daily bread.
In the next hearing my advocate is going to file objections to the buli’s advocate’s memo and the things will run their own course but it just doesn’t make any sense to me all this court room fiasco . things have to be decided between me and bulli and I want to take full responsibility of my children to the best of my abilities, and if bulli also wants it to be so than why all this legal tussle.
Here are certain hard facts on which you could develop the plan .
My gross salary is 55,000 Rs per month
The in-hand salary after the tax deduction at source after the maximum allowed savings of one lakh 10 thousand Rs per year, is about 47,000 Rs per month
Which means I have to save about 11,000 Rs per month which goes in insurance and ppf of which bulli is the nominee
That leaves around 36,000 Rs per month
For the monthly basic expenditure for the house which includes the bill for telephone, internet, newspaper, electricity, water, chowkidar, car petrol, milkman, maid etc ( bare minimum just to survive in the most ordinary way is approximately 12 to 13,000 Rs
That leaves me with 23,000 Rs.
Out of this you decide how should I I take out the money to sponsor my Bangalore trips and the advocates fees and the maintenance money.
my each trip to bangalore costs a minimum of 14,000 Rs
I can pay 12,000 Rs to bulli every month which leaves me with 11,000 Rs and that too I would be saving for the children only or utilize for my trips to Bangalore.
As for bulli’s knowledge , I am not having any other souces of income as was mentioned in the affidavit, I have a savings bank account in bank of baroda where my salary is deposited by ECS and about 3 years back when there was a lot of craze in the market I bought 3 mutual funds for the first time in my life worth 30,000 RS which are blocked for 3 years. My after the duty hour cases have also dwindled away in the last 3-4 months partly because I am not too keen in making such an effort when the people for whom I was doing all that are not even there to talk to me and partly for the reason that it involves too much of concentration in the high risk field like anesthesia and with my current state of mind I had certain very narrow escapes and simply I don’t want to continue with that type of risky lifestyle. So whatever I have is very clearly in front of you and cant overemphasize on the point that my commitment for my family, my little angels stands firm till my last breath and to the best of my abilities and it’s up to bulli to decide what she wants to do with me.
Please ask bulli to pray to lord to bring an end to my sufferings coz its not possible for me to stop thinking about my kids or stop thinking about reuniting with her at this time and all time to come in the rest of my life. Neither can I opt for the easy way for that is not my philosophy so I will keep on praying to almighty to take care of my family and keep them in good health and cheers for all time to come and please allow me to contribute my share in the upbringing of my children to the best of abilities.
My little angels – I really love you and when you grow up you might realize that your dad was actually not such a bad guy after all and there was no need for anyone to have shielded you from my so called absurd lifestyle.
God bless you all.
After a long time barnali wrote a mail and I opened it with so much anticipation, just like a small child opening his birthday present.
It is fully justified, the anger and frustration, which barnali must be harbouring and had I been in her position I would have probably reacted in a similar way but the big issue is that besides me no other soul would ever come to know or even realize that whatever happened was such a complex issue that even I, while trying to retrospect find it very puzzling as to the way I was handling that situation.
Barnali had asked me a question as to what will I do with all my money? In her shoes I would have asked even a better question – why am I still living and why do get I up every morning?
Giving a lot of consideration to the above issues I have decided to drag along with my miserable life with the hope that one day I will get to hold my family back and that’s what is keeping me alive.
“Drug abusing pseudo mothers” imagine what kind of hellish situation I would have been undergoing handling that complex issue. Just imagine, would any sane person be enjoying in that situation. It was such a nightmare and with my idealistic philosophy, and gripped in fear, wanted to soothe out the things and putting the simple facts in order that family comes first and that the child needs his parents more than anything else and see where does it led me to –not being able to even speak to my own kids for nearly 6 months.
“My abnormal lifestyle” that bulli wants to shield my children from. Muku and mouli are my life’s rhythm if their mother feels this about their dad then God should not allow me to even see the next daylight.
Please convey to her that all that I have apparently amassed is all hers and for my children and all that I am living for is for my family only. Even before she embarked on legal journey I had asked her to tell me where I should send the cheques and the next thing I received was the legal notice with the interim order barring me from all forms of communication.
So far I have been to Bangalore five time and spent 1.25 lakh rupees which could have been used for the kids and the family. Desperately I tried for mediation but failed. All that I have wanted to tell her was to give me my life back by taking back what she left behind at delhi that is her stupid husband.
Legal proceeding are on and the advocates are doing their job of protecting their client’s interests but what about the interests of a broken family and weeping hearts and a father’s craving for seeing his children and a husband’s soul which is ever trying to reconnect with his soul mate. Can any court decide about all these issues. Can the advocates compensate for that time I have not seen my kids. Impatience is a very inferior word that bulli used to project my feelings – its like burning in hell, not to be around your family for some silly cause which isn’t even there and to go to a place 1700 km away where my family is staying and to stand on the streets and bus-stands and wish for instant release d from the miseries. More than a nightmare to see bulli and baba just feets away and not even talk to them.
Bulli says that she is following the court’s proceedings to assess my mindset. For what ? , all this assessment for what? it is like asking water whether it wishes to quench the thirst or not ? My whole life is for my family.
Sand castle which bulli built , she says that waves took them away but the little home that I was building, I am just trying to hold on to its foundations and strengthening them with my prayers and tears. My intentions and mindset can never be assessed in the court as it is legal front and the domain of advocates.
Absurd to think that as father I don’t want to provide for my children . what am I living for and for whom I am earning, not to collect money for some fancy parties or frolicking with pseudo people. I have repeatedly pledged that she can take it from in writing that will give to her my entire salary for my entire life.
There is no gang of i.v dug abusing pseudo-mothers and I simply go to that hospital and come back to a house to be haunted by the emptiness and stay wide awake talking to photos of muku , mouli and barnali and keep arranging their stuff and put a pillow on the bulli’s side of the bed and just pray to god to please let me be with family at least in the dreams and very often I get up shaken , realizing that it was only a dream where I was sipping tea with bulli or playing with my angels, then I sit in front of her almirah where I have kept a chair covered by her shawl and made a meditation seat and just try to communicate with her in the middle of the night. I have started to do meditation in her corner and it really gives me strength to hold on. I keep writing on the blog and keep talking to them in my thoughts. I think bulli is right my lifestyle is surely absurd. Today I have taken out muku and mouli’s woolen caps and I keep wearing them one by one and strangely it brings a lot of comfort.
Well dada bhai, I would like you to help me professionally as a strategic planner and a management guru.
Rather than the court deciding about the amount of money I should give to bulli in order to prove my intentions as a caring father and caring husband I would like you to assess the financial situation and decide it. Rather than wasting the money in my futile trips to Bangalore I would like that hard earned money to be utilized for the children. My whole existence has become a burden on self and if I don’t get the feeling that I am doing something for my family I am certain that I will fall ill very soon and slowly wither away, already signs of my decreasing immunity to common ailments have become manifest and unless my share for my family reaches them i am soon going to lose even the will to survive and strive for my daily bread.
In the next hearing my advocate is going to file objections to the buli’s advocate’s memo and the things will run their own course but it just doesn’t make any sense to me all this court room fiasco . things have to be decided between me and bulli and I want to take full responsibility of my children to the best of my abilities, and if bulli also wants it to be so than why all this legal tussle.
Here are certain hard facts on which you could develop the plan .
My gross salary is 55,000 Rs per month
The in-hand salary after the tax deduction at source after the maximum allowed savings of one lakh 10 thousand Rs per year, is about 47,000 Rs per month
Which means I have to save about 11,000 Rs per month which goes in insurance and ppf of which bulli is the nominee
That leaves around 36,000 Rs per month
For the monthly basic expenditure for the house which includes the bill for telephone, internet, newspaper, electricity, water, chowkidar, car petrol, milkman, maid etc ( bare minimum just to survive in the most ordinary way is approximately 12 to 13,000 Rs
That leaves me with 23,000 Rs.
Out of this you decide how should I I take out the money to sponsor my Bangalore trips and the advocates fees and the maintenance money.
my each trip to bangalore costs a minimum of 14,000 Rs
I can pay 12,000 Rs to bulli every month which leaves me with 11,000 Rs and that too I would be saving for the children only or utilize for my trips to Bangalore.
As for bulli’s knowledge , I am not having any other souces of income as was mentioned in the affidavit, I have a savings bank account in bank of baroda where my salary is deposited by ECS and about 3 years back when there was a lot of craze in the market I bought 3 mutual funds for the first time in my life worth 30,000 RS which are blocked for 3 years. My after the duty hour cases have also dwindled away in the last 3-4 months partly because I am not too keen in making such an effort when the people for whom I was doing all that are not even there to talk to me and partly for the reason that it involves too much of concentration in the high risk field like anesthesia and with my current state of mind I had certain very narrow escapes and simply I don’t want to continue with that type of risky lifestyle. So whatever I have is very clearly in front of you and cant overemphasize on the point that my commitment for my family, my little angels stands firm till my last breath and to the best of my abilities and it’s up to bulli to decide what she wants to do with me.
Please ask bulli to pray to lord to bring an end to my sufferings coz its not possible for me to stop thinking about my kids or stop thinking about reuniting with her at this time and all time to come in the rest of my life. Neither can I opt for the easy way for that is not my philosophy so I will keep on praying to almighty to take care of my family and keep them in good health and cheers for all time to come and please allow me to contribute my share in the upbringing of my children to the best of abilities.
My little angels – I really love you and when you grow up you might realize that your dad was actually not such a bad guy after all and there was no need for anyone to have shielded you from my so called absurd lifestyle.
God bless you all.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
An Appeal from a weeping heart
Please tell my kids that I am really missing them on this day and just like any other day over the last five and a half months. It’s like going through the ordeal of a concentration camp, where you can’t even speak to your loved ones. I have no means of communication with bulli except through the thoughts and feelings which are always trying to form some sort of a connection.
There is no point in elaborating the trauma of this separation coz it seems very clear to me that I stand absolutely alone, holding on, to the singular purpose of getting my family back.
My each heart beat and each breath is dedicated to my little angels and I am sure that in the depths of her heart barnali knows that what kind of ideology and philosophy, her once beloved husband holds on to and how much he has craved to be cared for, by her.
Please let my kids know that their father loves them like crazy. Merry Christmas
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Swine Flu sentiments
Dearest wife, you will be glad to know that I have volunteered for looking after the H1N1 critical care- a make shift set up for the severe ARDS patients with swine flu.
It was a very funny situation indeed when a young boy with severe ARDS got admitted in our hospital , none of the specialists dared to even visit the patient, half of them saying that that they have children at home. I had a big laugh coz it never occurred to me that even I had little children with whom I can’t even speak because of a court’s order restraining to do that on the request of my wife. Anyways as you know me, I decided to give that child my best of efforts and I accepted the responsibility. After 5 days of critical events yesterday I got him off paralysis and gave him a T-piece trial with spontaneous breathing and you should have looked at the joy in his parent’s eyes. His mother who was constantly praying outside couldn’t control her tears while talking to him. Well today is a crucial day for him coz he has developed fever again and the possibility of a nasty nosocomial infection caused by a stupid MDR bug is still there and his life hinges on it.
Well every event in this cosmos is linked with each other as my spiritual trail has taught me – who knows, that my power of understanding the emotions and pains of the other person and my over indulgence in the critical care might after all have a meaning and I might actually be able to serve as a useful tool for the almighty in getting that 15 year old boy back to his parents. Don’t they say something about the higher purpose in life and didn’t you mention about the true satisfaction which our profession offers.
There might be something for you as well if I get H!N! ARDS then you can get all the insurance money!
Just one request- do tell my little angels that I really miss them a lot and they are the most precious for me forever and ever and there is nothing on this earth more desirable than to be able to hold them in my arms and to be reunited with my family again.
Take care
It was a very funny situation indeed when a young boy with severe ARDS got admitted in our hospital , none of the specialists dared to even visit the patient, half of them saying that that they have children at home. I had a big laugh coz it never occurred to me that even I had little children with whom I can’t even speak because of a court’s order restraining to do that on the request of my wife. Anyways as you know me, I decided to give that child my best of efforts and I accepted the responsibility. After 5 days of critical events yesterday I got him off paralysis and gave him a T-piece trial with spontaneous breathing and you should have looked at the joy in his parent’s eyes. His mother who was constantly praying outside couldn’t control her tears while talking to him. Well today is a crucial day for him coz he has developed fever again and the possibility of a nasty nosocomial infection caused by a stupid MDR bug is still there and his life hinges on it.
Well every event in this cosmos is linked with each other as my spiritual trail has taught me – who knows, that my power of understanding the emotions and pains of the other person and my over indulgence in the critical care might after all have a meaning and I might actually be able to serve as a useful tool for the almighty in getting that 15 year old boy back to his parents. Don’t they say something about the higher purpose in life and didn’t you mention about the true satisfaction which our profession offers.
There might be something for you as well if I get H!N! ARDS then you can get all the insurance money!
Just one request- do tell my little angels that I really miss them a lot and they are the most precious for me forever and ever and there is nothing on this earth more desirable than to be able to hold them in my arms and to be reunited with my family again.
Take care
Swine Flu sentiments
Dearest wife, you will be glad to know that I have volunteered for looking after the H1N1 critical care- a make shift set up for the severe ARDS patients with swine flu.
It was a very funny situation indeed when a young boy with severe ARDS got admitted in our hospital , none of the specialists dared to even visit the patient, half of them saying that that they have children at home. I had a big laugh coz it never occurred to me that even I had little children with whom I can’t even speak because of a court’s order restraining to do that on the request of my wife. Anyways as you know me, I decided to give that child my best of efforts and I accepted the responsibility. After 5 days of critical events yesterday I got him off paralysis and gave him a T-piece trial with spontaneous breathing and you should have looked at the joy in his parent’s eyes. His mother who was constantly praying outside couldn’t control her tears while talking to him. Well today is a crucial day for him coz he has developed fever again and the possibility of a nasty nosocomial infection caused by a stupid MDR bug is still there and his life hinges on it.
Well every event in this cosmos is linked with each other as my spiritual trail has taught me – who knows, that my power of understanding the emotions and pains of the other person and my over indulgence in the critical care might after all have a meaning and I might actually be able to serve as a useful tool for the almighty in getting that 15 year old boy back to his parents. Don’t they say something about the higher purpose in life and didn’t you mention about the true satisfaction which our profession offers.
There might be something for you as well if I get H!N! ARDS then you can get all the insurance money!
Just one request- do tell my little angels that I really miss them a lot and they are the most precious for me forever and ever and there is nothing on this earth more desirable than to be able to hold them in my arms and to be reunited with my family again.
Take care
It was a very funny situation indeed when a young boy with severe ARDS got admitted in our hospital , none of the specialists dared to even visit the patient, half of them saying that that they have children at home. I had a big laugh coz it never occurred to me that even I had little children with whom I can’t even speak because of a court’s order restraining to do that on the request of my wife. Anyways as you know me, I decided to give that child my best of efforts and I accepted the responsibility. After 5 days of critical events yesterday I got him off paralysis and gave him a T-piece trial with spontaneous breathing and you should have looked at the joy in his parent’s eyes. His mother who was constantly praying outside couldn’t control her tears while talking to him. Well today is a crucial day for him coz he has developed fever again and the possibility of a nasty nosocomial infection caused by a stupid MDR bug is still there and his life hinges on it.
Well every event in this cosmos is linked with each other as my spiritual trail has taught me – who knows, that my power of understanding the emotions and pains of the other person and my over indulgence in the critical care might after all have a meaning and I might actually be able to serve as a useful tool for the almighty in getting that 15 year old boy back to his parents. Don’t they say something about the higher purpose in life and didn’t you mention about the true satisfaction which our profession offers.
There might be something for you as well if I get H!N! ARDS then you can get all the insurance money!
Just one request- do tell my little angels that I really miss them a lot and they are the most precious for me forever and ever and there is nothing on this earth more desirable than to be able to hold them in my arms and to be reunited with my family again.
Take care
Friday, December 11, 2009
Dearest angels
Dearest little angels,
Today I am missing you so much that I simply cant stop thinking about you , the sweet voice of my darling mouli and the funny faces and the brilliant jokes and pranks of super darling muku – god its such a punishment to stay alive for even a day without seeing you both. The only hope that is keeping me alive is that one day I will be able to see you and hug you and ytell you that I love you so so much. I must be the unluckiest of all the dads on this planet who cant even talk to his daughters eventhough he only dreams of just one thing and that is to take you in his arms and to shower you with all the affection possible you two were my real heartbeats and the inspiration for me to live on amidst the all the chaos and your mother knows this very well that I cant live without you and the only punishment she could think of was to take you away from me so that I feel the pain every second that I live from there on.
Dear babies, your mom is not aware of the fact that the purpose of my life is to live for you folks and there is no other purpose in remaining alive on this stupid earth and I realy loved your mom and I am desperate to see my family reunited again.
Your mom had asked for twenty thousand rupees per month out of my in-hand salary of 46,000 rupees for maintenance. Please tell her that she is staying 17,00 km away from me and to travel from Delhi to Bangalore it takes a minimum of 14,000 rupees for airfare and hotel expenses even if I stay in the cheapest of the lodges in the Bangalore and have my meals on the footpath. She also needs to be reminded that the the insurance policies of which only she is the nominee, I have to pay around 11,00 0 rupees. You mom has always been poor in mathematics and especially when it come housonomics . Please tell her that I want to take care of your education and all the other needs as I had always been doing before she left for Bangalore. all the money y that is there with me is all for you two and I will make sure that your future is secured please tell your mom that with my current salary she can take 12,000 rupees which can take care of your education and 4,000 each I can deposit in the ongoing recurring deposits that I already have in your names and she can take the receipt every month.
I had pledged your mom to forget about the past and make a fresh beginning so that we can give our children the best and also suggested to her that she can take whole of my salary and be the lady of the house and just give me the pocket money every month.
Each day I sit in your mom’s meditation corner and pray to almighty hoping that my voice will someday reach her heart and she will realize that a father’s soul is being put to the harshest of endurance test by asking the dad to live forcibly without even listening to his heart beat that is you two.
My angels ----you dad will never let you down
You motu papa
Today I am missing you so much that I simply cant stop thinking about you , the sweet voice of my darling mouli and the funny faces and the brilliant jokes and pranks of super darling muku – god its such a punishment to stay alive for even a day without seeing you both. The only hope that is keeping me alive is that one day I will be able to see you and hug you and ytell you that I love you so so much. I must be the unluckiest of all the dads on this planet who cant even talk to his daughters eventhough he only dreams of just one thing and that is to take you in his arms and to shower you with all the affection possible you two were my real heartbeats and the inspiration for me to live on amidst the all the chaos and your mother knows this very well that I cant live without you and the only punishment she could think of was to take you away from me so that I feel the pain every second that I live from there on.
Dear babies, your mom is not aware of the fact that the purpose of my life is to live for you folks and there is no other purpose in remaining alive on this stupid earth and I realy loved your mom and I am desperate to see my family reunited again.
Your mom had asked for twenty thousand rupees per month out of my in-hand salary of 46,000 rupees for maintenance. Please tell her that she is staying 17,00 km away from me and to travel from Delhi to Bangalore it takes a minimum of 14,000 rupees for airfare and hotel expenses even if I stay in the cheapest of the lodges in the Bangalore and have my meals on the footpath. She also needs to be reminded that the the insurance policies of which only she is the nominee, I have to pay around 11,00 0 rupees. You mom has always been poor in mathematics and especially when it come housonomics . Please tell her that I want to take care of your education and all the other needs as I had always been doing before she left for Bangalore. all the money y that is there with me is all for you two and I will make sure that your future is secured please tell your mom that with my current salary she can take 12,000 rupees which can take care of your education and 4,000 each I can deposit in the ongoing recurring deposits that I already have in your names and she can take the receipt every month.
I had pledged your mom to forget about the past and make a fresh beginning so that we can give our children the best and also suggested to her that she can take whole of my salary and be the lady of the house and just give me the pocket money every month.
Each day I sit in your mom’s meditation corner and pray to almighty hoping that my voice will someday reach her heart and she will realize that a father’s soul is being put to the harshest of endurance test by asking the dad to live forcibly without even listening to his heart beat that is you two.
My angels ----you dad will never let you down
You motu papa
Friday, December 4, 2009
DOWNLOADING GOD
Dearest Koochi,
Referring you by this nick name propels me in to a fantasy world where the two hearts were in perfect synchronization and used to beat in rhythm. Where is that world? It’s been five months that you have been away from me along with my most precious daughters and I am surviving each day like a dream- a bad dream , waiting for it get over.
You cheated on me: you were seeking spiritual guidance from the enlightened souls like Yogananda Paramhansa, Sri Aurobindo, and Lord Buddha himself. You used to meditate and seek silent peace and harmony in your corner in front of your almirah while I used to play loud music and struggled with futile desires of collection of music and stupid movies, never once you tried initiating me in to your mystic world of serenity and spirituality. You even went to satsangs and yogoda and I used to criticize you and mummy for adopting such paths which I felt were meant for the weaker beings.
But and not a just a simple BUT, in fact what can be called as a POWER OF TIME and Destiny’s footfalls I had to come to HIS HOUSE , to kneel in front of HIM , to seek his approval---- to know the answers I had to download GOD and since last two months or so my quest for his grace lead me utilize my old buddy , my computer to aid me in finding the answers.
Somehow and somewhat foolishly but yet with profound humility I feel indebted to destiny for creating such an environment for me where all the variables and all this shock of unbearable pain of separation from my loved ones lead me to this sacred path finally.
First thing that I realized was that my approach was mammothly wrong when kutum left us, that feeling of a void would have been similar for you as I feel all these days and my approach was to make you come out of that sadness by immersing yourself in this mayajaal, but when it came over me I instantly realized that the approach was wrong and this cosmic illusion , all this worldly wisdom and scenic beauties and all the mortal pleasures all together can’t even give you even a seconds comfort and solace and all that want is to go back in time and undo the things which separated you from your loved ones. That’s what the true treasure of our lives is and that’s where the real happiness lies, that is in the hearts of your loved ones and the ordinary day infused with their presence and voices.
The first book that I picked up was the Autobiography of a Yogi. Then the stage was set and I read Man’s Eternal Quest and then Divine Romance and then Journey to Self Realization and then many others I made friends with. Then I picked up the book written by MOTHER –Question and Answers. I looked in your corner and found several of your favorite books stacked and tried finding answers in them. Then I searched the whole house for the books which you bought and found the POWER OF THOUGHT, Awaken the MIND and the Synthesis of yoga by Sri Aurobindo.
Well my quest for the answers will continue and my journey to self realization is well begun and it gives me a lot of peace and strength to wait patiently for my loved ones to come back and sooth my aching heart.
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