Dearest Barnali,
On this day of holi where almost everyone is enjoying with colors, I am trying to search for my rainbow.
It is the most colorless day of my life where my eyes are dry and searching everywhere for the colors to fill up my rainbow.
How can God be so ruthless? Well I must be deserving all his wrath coz it is simply unbearable to even breathe, all the time my mind is full of craving to see you people, to get you people back in my life. At the same time Tata is not showing any signs of recovery, his swallowing has not returned and his tracheostomy is harboring the deadly pseudomonas, at times it gets blocked, at times there is muscle weakness requiring urgent intervention, at some times he develops bronchospasm, or simply it might be a mucous plug blocking his air entry. How does one expect to manage such a patient at home? but what to do , ganga ram wards were not capable of providing such care- what he needs is a high dependency unit but it is out of our reach .
Amidst all this I am struggling to revive him, tai is saying that this all she could do , anisha is following my instructions but cannot make urgent interventions and at times I rush back from rohini when there is problem.
It is selfish but still I feel had you been there with me , we could have given him much better care, without you I feel so helpless at times.
This house just seems to be an old photo album where I keep looking at the various things reminding me you your presence. Tears come out just like that and then they stop and then they come out again.
I miss you so much and keep thinking about the line you used to say. : “ you will realize my importance when will go away” I feel so miserable without my rainbow and its only me who is the cause of all my misery.
Wish you could forgive me for being what I was.
Dabs forever.
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