Monday, July 26, 2010
happy birthday MOULI 27 july( 7th birthday)
mouli bete. papa loves you. he is missing you so so so so much that he doesnt know what to do today since he will not be able to see you this time also like the previous birthday. i had booked the tikets for coming to bangalore but then cancelled them since your mummy doesent want me to come to your house. it is raining heavily in delhi and my teras are raining out with equal vigour and i have no intentions of stopping them because there is no other way my heart would get any comfort since my dearet angel is not with me. mouli i would pray for you that that you become strong and intelligent and as you grow up, you understand that your papa realy realy loves you and is all the time thinking of you. my little doll is the prettiest of all. happy birthday bete. i will also celebrate your birthday here in delhi.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
most colorless HOLI of my life
Dearest Barnali,
On this day of holi where almost everyone is enjoying with colors, I am trying to search for my rainbow.
It is the most colorless day of my life where my eyes are dry and searching everywhere for the colors to fill up my rainbow.
How can God be so ruthless? Well I must be deserving all his wrath coz it is simply unbearable to even breathe, all the time my mind is full of craving to see you people, to get you people back in my life. At the same time Tata is not showing any signs of recovery, his swallowing has not returned and his tracheostomy is harboring the deadly pseudomonas, at times it gets blocked, at times there is muscle weakness requiring urgent intervention, at some times he develops bronchospasm, or simply it might be a mucous plug blocking his air entry. How does one expect to manage such a patient at home? but what to do , ganga ram wards were not capable of providing such care- what he needs is a high dependency unit but it is out of our reach .
Amidst all this I am struggling to revive him, tai is saying that this all she could do , anisha is following my instructions but cannot make urgent interventions and at times I rush back from rohini when there is problem.
It is selfish but still I feel had you been there with me , we could have given him much better care, without you I feel so helpless at times.
This house just seems to be an old photo album where I keep looking at the various things reminding me you your presence. Tears come out just like that and then they stop and then they come out again.
I miss you so much and keep thinking about the line you used to say. : “ you will realize my importance when will go away” I feel so miserable without my rainbow and its only me who is the cause of all my misery.
Wish you could forgive me for being what I was.
Dabs forever.
On this day of holi where almost everyone is enjoying with colors, I am trying to search for my rainbow.
It is the most colorless day of my life where my eyes are dry and searching everywhere for the colors to fill up my rainbow.
How can God be so ruthless? Well I must be deserving all his wrath coz it is simply unbearable to even breathe, all the time my mind is full of craving to see you people, to get you people back in my life. At the same time Tata is not showing any signs of recovery, his swallowing has not returned and his tracheostomy is harboring the deadly pseudomonas, at times it gets blocked, at times there is muscle weakness requiring urgent intervention, at some times he develops bronchospasm, or simply it might be a mucous plug blocking his air entry. How does one expect to manage such a patient at home? but what to do , ganga ram wards were not capable of providing such care- what he needs is a high dependency unit but it is out of our reach .
Amidst all this I am struggling to revive him, tai is saying that this all she could do , anisha is following my instructions but cannot make urgent interventions and at times I rush back from rohini when there is problem.
It is selfish but still I feel had you been there with me , we could have given him much better care, without you I feel so helpless at times.
This house just seems to be an old photo album where I keep looking at the various things reminding me you your presence. Tears come out just like that and then they stop and then they come out again.
I miss you so much and keep thinking about the line you used to say. : “ you will realize my importance when will go away” I feel so miserable without my rainbow and its only me who is the cause of all my misery.
Wish you could forgive me for being what I was.
Dabs forever.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
dearest muku mouli bulli-you must pray for tata
dearest daughters and bulli it is a humane request that you must pray for that man who is fighting for his life in ganga ram ICU . today is a crucial day for him, i have maximized my attempt to convince the neurologists and the intensivists that we must go in for tracheostomy as a life saving measure as weaning from the ventilator is very importanat. but i am sure that this kind of mysterious disease doesnt have any obvious treatment and even the so called top docs are perplexed. so your prayers are precious as only the mercifull hands of almighty can bring him out and muku and mouli who love thier tata so much can bring him out and bulli if you put a request up there it will be instantly granted.
please help him.
please help him.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
SORRY GOD i know that you are listening
Just felt like saying a big sorry to the big brother up there,after returning from the hospital and seeing my dearest tata struggling with life, i was feeling very annoyed with god, suddenly a wave of tranquility swept over, making me realize the subtle ways in which HIS plans were working and safeguarding my tayaji from complications. over last three days he had three major life threatening situations where i somehow stood as a wall between him and the fatal but when he was shifted to icu i thought that the wall was gone and was very tense about it, but later i realized that my initial decision of shifting him to ganaga ram hospital was a boon because today itself the plasmapheresis was arranged which can prove vital in his treatment and this faciity wouldnot have been available anywhere else, i am sure that in HIS GRAND PLAN , my tayaji stands the best chance to fight back.
AN APPEAL TO ALL WELL WISHERS
please please please pray for his recovery , your prayers can do the miracle of healing, specialy if my darling daughters could pray for there tata ( who realy loves them so much) i am sure that even the worst of situations could be managed.
bulli you dont know how much support i got from your call, it jsut gave me the strength to again vitalize my efforts in gathering momentum in his tretment and that single step which i took thereafter might change the whole outcome of tata's condition .
please pray for him coz i know that when you pray GOD will defenitely listen
AN APPEAL TO ALL WELL WISHERS
please please please pray for his recovery , your prayers can do the miracle of healing, specialy if my darling daughters could pray for there tata ( who realy loves them so much) i am sure that even the worst of situations could be managed.
bulli you dont know how much support i got from your call, it jsut gave me the strength to again vitalize my efforts in gathering momentum in his tretment and that single step which i took thereafter might change the whole outcome of tata's condition .
please pray for him coz i know that when you pray GOD will defenitely listen
Monday, January 25, 2010
tata is very ill, on ventilator
muku mouli bulli,
your tata who loved you so much and was constantly asking about you has become very ill and is on a life saving machine in ICU. he is suffering from a real nasty disease which has affected his capacity to breath sparing all other functions. yesterday night he collapsed infront of my eyes in the ganga ram hospital and with tears in my eyes i mainatained his breaths manualy till the help arrived fro the icu team and then he was put on a machine, he was not looking well and my capacity to hink of something miraculous has almost vanished and i am not happy with the way almighty operates because tata does not deserve this kind of outcome and this is not the way to away a person's life bu over the last 5 years i have seen that god's decisions cant be understood. i am realy missing my koochi who would have stood besides me in this hour of despair as a source of strenght and may be her presence could alter the course of the events. please pray for him. love you all
your tata who loved you so much and was constantly asking about you has become very ill and is on a life saving machine in ICU. he is suffering from a real nasty disease which has affected his capacity to breath sparing all other functions. yesterday night he collapsed infront of my eyes in the ganga ram hospital and with tears in my eyes i mainatained his breaths manualy till the help arrived fro the icu team and then he was put on a machine, he was not looking well and my capacity to hink of something miraculous has almost vanished and i am not happy with the way almighty operates because tata does not deserve this kind of outcome and this is not the way to away a person's life bu over the last 5 years i have seen that god's decisions cant be understood. i am realy missing my koochi who would have stood besides me in this hour of despair as a source of strenght and may be her presence could alter the course of the events. please pray for him. love you all
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I am also GOD's son
Hello muku mouli bête and hi bulli madam,
Don’t know whether these messages are read or not and not even sure what is conveyed to you as to what happened to once existing doctor ankit urf your motu papa.
But I am very much alive, although the life I am living is a kind of posthumous experience because without you folks around me every second seems a curse. I died the day when I was not able to wish my little mouli happy birthday, I died the day when I could not celebrate dipawali, janmashtami, durga puja, Christmas, new year etc. etc. in fact I die every day as I get up in the morning after a dreamy night and find myself alone in this house at karol bagh. I die every second that I as I struggle to drag on with this lonely existence without my heart beats.
That boy whom I saved from swine flu ( harsh ) calls me often and his voice somehow gives me an inspiration to carry on as it was only the( faith in God) of his parents which made him pass the test of life.
All the great spiritual masters like Yoganada say that you must demand from god as his worthy son and and he will listen, well it seems that my demands as God’s son are still being processed and one day HE will listen.
A strange thing is happening thses days , very often in my dreams I get to meet you people and in the world of dreams our my little muku makes such wonderful string artifacts and paper crafts and my little mouli makes lovely paintings for me and my dear bulli beti is sitting besides me with and we are awe struck at the creative potentials of our angels. I am sure that you would be enchanting then bangalorians with your mystic aura, only I am not there to witness that magic.
Last week I had to go to IHBAS , shahadara to give anaesthesia to a colleague for his MRI, just adjacent to that place is our old college UCMS where your parents begun their graduation both in profession as well as in life. It just transported me back in time when I and bulli used to wait for each other in our hostel balconies and bulli had created a unique system of calling me by using our torch lights and I used to go there rushing and announced for room no. 318 girls hostel and Mrs puri ( caretaker) used to eye us with awe. Time we spent there , so many years together just flashed back instantly and when I returned back to my lonely house the shock was unbelievable I had a very troubled time as this all seems so bizarre it is unbelievable that my family my bulli could go away from me . I am to be blamed for all this coz I was on a wrong path , I was the one who deviated , I was the one who wanted to impose my stupid codes, I was the on who was lagging behind in the spiritual evolvement , I was the one who was creating all the mess.
GOD please forgive me for my stupidity and please give me MY FAMILY BACK. I love my family very much and I can’t live without my best buddy my wife and darling angels. Please let bulli know that her koochu needs her more than ever.
Don’t know whether these messages are read or not and not even sure what is conveyed to you as to what happened to once existing doctor ankit urf your motu papa.
But I am very much alive, although the life I am living is a kind of posthumous experience because without you folks around me every second seems a curse. I died the day when I was not able to wish my little mouli happy birthday, I died the day when I could not celebrate dipawali, janmashtami, durga puja, Christmas, new year etc. etc. in fact I die every day as I get up in the morning after a dreamy night and find myself alone in this house at karol bagh. I die every second that I as I struggle to drag on with this lonely existence without my heart beats.
That boy whom I saved from swine flu ( harsh ) calls me often and his voice somehow gives me an inspiration to carry on as it was only the( faith in God) of his parents which made him pass the test of life.
All the great spiritual masters like Yoganada say that you must demand from god as his worthy son and and he will listen, well it seems that my demands as God’s son are still being processed and one day HE will listen.
A strange thing is happening thses days , very often in my dreams I get to meet you people and in the world of dreams our my little muku makes such wonderful string artifacts and paper crafts and my little mouli makes lovely paintings for me and my dear bulli beti is sitting besides me with and we are awe struck at the creative potentials of our angels. I am sure that you would be enchanting then bangalorians with your mystic aura, only I am not there to witness that magic.
Last week I had to go to IHBAS , shahadara to give anaesthesia to a colleague for his MRI, just adjacent to that place is our old college UCMS where your parents begun their graduation both in profession as well as in life. It just transported me back in time when I and bulli used to wait for each other in our hostel balconies and bulli had created a unique system of calling me by using our torch lights and I used to go there rushing and announced for room no. 318 girls hostel and Mrs puri ( caretaker) used to eye us with awe. Time we spent there , so many years together just flashed back instantly and when I returned back to my lonely house the shock was unbelievable I had a very troubled time as this all seems so bizarre it is unbelievable that my family my bulli could go away from me . I am to be blamed for all this coz I was on a wrong path , I was the one who deviated , I was the one who wanted to impose my stupid codes, I was the on who was lagging behind in the spiritual evolvement , I was the one who was creating all the mess.
GOD please forgive me for my stupidity and please give me MY FAMILY BACK. I love my family very much and I can’t live without my best buddy my wife and darling angels. Please let bulli know that her koochu needs her more than ever.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Shri Yogananda's Birthday
Hello Muku and Mouli bête,
NEW YEAR BEGiNS without you: unacceptable. my new year will begin only after giving you a big hug.
No matter what the world tells you but the fact is that your papa is still alive just for you; else I don’t have any interest left in this world whatsoever. You mummy says “All is left” but what is there for me to think about and construct in my life when you are not there in front of my eyes. Imagine, haven’t spoken to or seen you in SIX MONTHS . it is like a perpetual nightmare that has decided to continue on and on and on.
I love you so much that whenever I even think of you tears start flowing and at times I literally have to hide my face to prevent the response from the on lookers. I am a brave dad coz I refuse to die and refuse to give up in the hope that some day I will get to meet you and hug you and tell you how much I love you.
Today 5th of jan is Yogananda Paramhansa’s birthday and instead of giving him a gift I have again asked him for a gift that is the gift of life for dying man : to get his family back.
Your mom, it seems has closed all doors for any reconnection with her estranged husband but you dad is not giving up and will keep trying till his last breaths.
Well your caps (muku’s green one and mouli’s red one) give me real comfort and instantly make me feel as if holding your delicate hands , even your mummie’s black shawl does the same job, these are the only things left here at karol bagh through which I connect with you people.
I really miss you very much and its only a miracle and the grace of great yogi’s like Paramhansji and Sri Aurobindo and all my spiritual experiments like meditation that I am still alive.
I will wait for you all. Love you forever
NEW YEAR BEGiNS without you: unacceptable. my new year will begin only after giving you a big hug.
No matter what the world tells you but the fact is that your papa is still alive just for you; else I don’t have any interest left in this world whatsoever. You mummy says “All is left” but what is there for me to think about and construct in my life when you are not there in front of my eyes. Imagine, haven’t spoken to or seen you in SIX MONTHS . it is like a perpetual nightmare that has decided to continue on and on and on.
I love you so much that whenever I even think of you tears start flowing and at times I literally have to hide my face to prevent the response from the on lookers. I am a brave dad coz I refuse to die and refuse to give up in the hope that some day I will get to meet you and hug you and tell you how much I love you.
Today 5th of jan is Yogananda Paramhansa’s birthday and instead of giving him a gift I have again asked him for a gift that is the gift of life for dying man : to get his family back.
Your mom, it seems has closed all doors for any reconnection with her estranged husband but you dad is not giving up and will keep trying till his last breaths.
Well your caps (muku’s green one and mouli’s red one) give me real comfort and instantly make me feel as if holding your delicate hands , even your mummie’s black shawl does the same job, these are the only things left here at karol bagh through which I connect with you people.
I really miss you very much and its only a miracle and the grace of great yogi’s like Paramhansji and Sri Aurobindo and all my spiritual experiments like meditation that I am still alive.
I will wait for you all. Love you forever
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